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  But he could hardly demand an explanation now, not when he had so obviously destroyed whatever shreds of trust she had in him. He shifted uncomfortably, going back in his head over her shock and hurt that he had so misread her letter. It seemed that she was right not to trust him and yet he dare not risk trusting her utterly either, not when he loved her like this. It felt like baring his throat to a sword.

  Alice had been his only vulnerability, his only weak spot. In everything else his life was his to command and he could rely on his determination, his intellect, his ambition, to achieve what he wanted. He was not used to failure. Somehow he had to turn this around for all their futures.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Laura took breakfast in bed the next morning. It was easier to yield to Mab’s bullying than face Avery over bacon and eggs that would simply make her queasy. She was uncomfortably aware that he was probably very angry with her. No man would take a monosyllabic refusal with equanimity, she was certain. She should have explained, however embarrassing it was and however hurt she was by his interpretation of her letter to Piers.

  And that did hurt, deeply. No wonder Avery had thought so little of her if he could believe she was fickle enough to send a letter full of accusations and recrimination to a man facing danger and death. He was a hypocrite, too, she told herself, stoking her anger. He had virtually forced Piers to go back to Spain when, who knows, if he had sold out to marry her and be a father to their child, he would be alive now.

  What if, what if… No, it was a futile game to play. Piers might have walked out of his house and been run over by a cart, or have been struck down by typhoid. Every second of every day everyone made choices that could result in life or death. If Avery felt guilty, then that was his burden to carry and she had to learn to forgive him.

  It was curiously difficult to do, even when she loved him. Perhaps that was the penalty of becoming older, one saw the shades of grey in everything, in everyone.

  ‘Mama?’ Alice peeped around the door. ‘Blackie and Mab say you are poorly and I mustn’t come and bounce on the bed.’

  ‘But you may come in and sit beside me.’ Laura patted the bed. ‘I will be better soon, it is just a tummy ache.’

  ‘Papa has written you a letter. He said I could bring it.’ Beaming with importance, she handed over the note, folded but unsealed.

  Laura opened it and read: I have accepted an offer on the timber in the far woods and I must go to St Albans to my lawyers to finalise the sale and for other business. I may also need to go to Buckingham, but I will be back in four, or at the most seven, days. There was no salutation, no signature beyond his initials.

  ‘Papa has gone away for a few days on business,’ Laura said and managed a big smile. ‘So the ladies of the house are in charge. What mischief shall we get up to while Papa is away?’

  That did make Alice bounce, until Mab wagged a finger at her. They would have a picnic with nothing but cake, go riding all day, buy a puppy…

  Laura let her rattle on and told herself that it was only her present condition that made her feel so miserable. But she knew she wanted Avery back, needed to talk to him, needed to find a way through this suspicion between them.

  Alice followed Mab into the dressing room to ‘help’ her sort out Laura’s shoes and Laura smiled at Miss Blackstock, standing quietly in the corner, waiting with her usual patience. ‘Do you think we should find Miss Alice a governess, Miss Blackstock? My husband was speaking of it a while ago.’

  ‘That was when he did not know who he would be marrying so soon, if I might be so bold as to put it that way. He hasn’t said any more about it to me, my lady.’

  ‘She is still a little young. I could undertake her lessons for a year.’

  ‘That would please Miss Alice, my lady. But might it not be a problem when his lordship wishes to travel with you and not always take Miss Alice? You haven’t had your bride trip yet, for one thing.’

  That was true. Somehow Laura could not imagine Avery wanting to whisk her away alone on a romantic journey, but he might want her to act as hostess if he was sent on a diplomatic mission and Alice was becoming rather old to take around the capitals of Europe with parents who were distracted by matter of state.

  ‘A governess would give her continuity,’ Laura agreed. She stretched and rubbed her back. The cramps were easing, by tomorrow she would feel her usual energetic self. ‘Which carriage has Lord Wykeham taken?’

  ‘The small one, my lady.’

  ‘Well, in that case, I think I will take the travelling carriage and we can go up to London tomorrow and set about finding someone. Mab, Alice!’ They looked around the door, one head above the other, and made her smile. ‘I think we will have a ladies’ trip to London, just the four of us, and we will see if we cannot find Alice a nice governess. What do you think of that, Alice?’

  The child came in, her face scrunched up in thought as she considered this hard question. ‘Will she be fun?’

  ‘Of course. She will be young and cheerful and she will teach you all kinds of exciting things.’

  ‘And you won’t go away, just because I’ve got her?’

  ‘I will have to go away if Papa is travelling and needs me, but I will always come back, Alice. If we choose a governess now, then you will have plenty of time to get to know her before I go anywhere with Papa. And Blackie will be here, as well.’ Alice nodded approval. ‘In that case, ladies, this afternoon we will pack for London!’

  *

  Avery had intended to stay away a week, time for Laura to recover from her temporary indisposition and from her distress over the letter. Time for him to decide how to deal with a wife he desired, whom he had, undoubtedly, wronged and yet, somehow could not quite bring himself to trust. She has wronged me, a mutinous voice reminded him. She had never explained how she could shut Alice out of her life for six years. She had acted a part as Mrs Jordan. She had tried to entrap him into marriage. And yet I love her.

  Avery gritted his teeth and looked out of the window at the sight of the park rolling past the carriage windows. The sun was just setting and the stands of beech trees cast long, lovely shadows across the grass.

  He was in no mood to appreciate natural beauty. Four days he had managed to stay away, not long enough to get his own guilt and resentment under control and not long enough, he was sure, for Laura to be feeling very kindly towards him.

  His mood was not helped by Pritchett’s expression of surprise as he walked through his own front door. ‘My lord!’

  ‘Yes?’ Avery raised an eyebrow. ‘Why the surprise? I believe I live here.’

  ‘Yes, of course, my lord. It is just that her ladyship—’

  Something cold ran a finger down Avery’s spine. ‘What is wrong with her?’ Was she sick after all? He would forgive her anything. Anything at all—

  Pritchett took a step back. ‘Nothing, my lord, I assure you. It is only that her ladyship and Miss Alice left for London the day before yesterday. I assumed you knew, my lord, and would be joining them.’

  ‘Of course.’ Whatever else was happening, preserve appearances in front of the staff. One of his mother’s favourite rules. Appearances are all, never mind the hell beneath. ‘I will be joining them in London. Tomorrow.’ If they are there. Stop it. Trust her. Of course they will be there.

  *

  ‘I feel confident we can find someone suitable from these five, don’t you?’ Laura conned the list of young women she had asked for interview the next day.

  ‘I think so, my lady. I particularly liked that one and that one.’ Miss Blackstock touched two of the names on the list that Laura held out to her. ‘They all have the qualifications you are looking for, and are under thirty and seem to be of a kind and cheerful disposition, but those two gave me the impression of a natural firmness.’

  ‘Which is what they will need to handle Alice,’ Laura agreed with a chuckle. ‘Miss Blackstock, I hope you do not feel that I am attempting to detach you from Alice. You have been s
uch a major influence on her and she loves you very much. But I am hoping that perhaps there may soon be someone else for you to look after…’

  ‘That is wonderful, my lady. His lordship—’

  ‘No, not yet, Miss Blackstock, but I hope it will not be too long. And I do not want Alice feeling that not only has her little nose been put out of joint by a new baby, but her Blackie has also been taken away from her.’

  ‘Of course, my lady. That seems very sensible and farsighted.’

  ‘Thank you.’ The carriage lurched as they rounded the corner into the square. ‘Almost home. I wish now I had not told Alice we were seeking a governess for her. When they call tomorrow and meet her I have no idea how she will react to them.’

  ‘Ah, well,’ Blackie said with a smile, ‘if the worse comes to the worst and she is difficult it will scare away the faint-hearted ones.’

  *

  Laura met Blackie’s gaze over the top of Alice’s head and raised an eyebrow. The nurse nodded the merest fraction. On the other side of the room Miss Pemberton, candidate number five, was deep in discussion with Alice over whether, as Miss Mirabelle was a French doll, Alice ought to learn some French words so she could talk to her. The young woman’s references were excellent and all from ladies Laura knew. She was quiet yet cheerful, bright-eyed, intelligent and decisive, and Alice took to her from the start.

  ‘Miss Pemberton.’

  The woman looked up. ‘Excuse me, Alice.’ She came and took the chair next to Laura. ‘Lady Wykeham?’

  ‘I would like to offer you the position. Do you need time to consider the offer?’

  ‘No, I would be delighted to accept. Thank you very much, I greatly appreciate your confidence, Lady Wykeham.’

  ‘Excellent. So when would you be able to start?’

  The door opened. ‘Lady Wykeham, what the blazes are you—?’ Avery stopped on the threshold apparently silenced by the sight of his usually elegant drawing room. The table was littered with dolls and their clothes, the Chinese carpet was obscured by a drift of drawing paper, the side table bore evidence to a hearty tea and Alice was bouncing with excitement.

  ‘Papa!’ She threw herself into his arms as Blackie and Miss Pemberton got to their feet.

  ‘Good afternoon, my lord,’ Laura said with a calm she was far from feeling. ‘Alice, please stop squealing, I wish to introduce Miss Pemberton to Papa. My dear, this is Miss Pemberton, who is to be Alice’s new governess. Miss Pemberton, my husband, the Earl of Wykeham.’

  ‘Delighted, Miss Pemberton.’ He offered his hand, she took it with a calm, well-bred manner that made Laura want to cheer. Apparently cursing earls disturbed Miss Pemberton’s composure no more than noisy six-year-olds did.

  Avery was wearing his best diplomatic blank face, but she could not worry about that now, nor the butterflies fluttering in her stomach, nor the sharp pang of desire at the sight of him, windblown despite his immaculate riding gear, eyes sparking with tightly controlled temper.

  ‘Do allow me to show you out, Miss Pemberton.’ Laura stood and ushered the governess towards the door. ‘If you would like to come with your trunks in two days’ time?’

  ‘Thank you, Lady Wykeham. My lord.’ She dropped the slightest of curtsies. ‘Goodbye for now, Alice. Miss Blackstock.’

  Laura said goodbye in the hall and left Miss Pemberton to the butler to show out. When she went back into the drawing room Avery was hunkered down, talking to Alice. ‘No, I have not brought you a puppy. Are you not glad just to have Papa home?’

  ‘Of course.’ She looked up winsomely from under her lashes. ‘But I’d have been even gladderer if you’d brought a puppy with you.’

  ‘You are a minx, young Alice. Don’t try those tricks on me, I’ve had older ladies than you flutter their eyelashes at me and none of them has received a puppy as a result, let me tell you. Now off you go with Blackie, I must talk to Mama.’

  He waited, smiling and apparently relaxed until the door had closed and the sound of Alice’s excited chatter had faded. When he turned the smile had vanished. ‘What the devil is going on, Laura? What are you doing gadding off to London without so much as a by your leave?’

  ‘I have come to our house with my maid, our daughter and her nurse, using our carriage and leaving our staff fully informed of our whereabouts. I have engaged a suitable governess for our daughter as we have discussed in the past. I am not certain which part of that programme counts as gadding, but I am certain you will enlighten me.’ Her knees were knocking and the ginger snaps she had eaten with her tea were lying heavy in her stomach, but at least she managed to sound both composed and polite.

  ‘You did not consult me.’

  ‘Neither did you, when you took off for a week with only the courtesy of a scribbled note.’

  ‘Damn it, Laura, I was taking myself off while you were…indisposed. Mab told me.’

  She raised her eyebrows at his language, but did not protest at it. ‘I see. So having discovered that you were unlikely to get any sex for a few days you could think of nothing else to keep you at home.’

  ‘There is no need to be so crude about it,’ Avery snapped.

  ‘Forgive me.’ Laura got to her feet in a swirl of sea-green muslin. ‘I was pleased to note that Miss Pemberton is able to withstand your violent language without flinching. She will obviously need to.’

  ‘And to the devil with Miss Pemberton!’

  ‘Miss Pemberton is not going to the devil, she is coming here. Alice, Miss Blackstock and I all agree she will be an excellent governess.’ She pulled the bell cord. ‘I would like some more tea. Will you join me and tell me about your business and I will tell you about Miss Pemberton and how Miss Blackstock and I decided upon her?’

  ‘And Alice?’ He sat, crossed one booted leg over the other and regarded her steadily. All the anger was under control. She wondered if she would ever penetrate that composure more than a fraction.

  ‘Alice was very helpful in sorting out the final five candidates, you may be sure.’ The door opened to reveal the footman. ‘More tea, please, and another cup for Lord Wykeham.’ How very wifely I sound. How very hollow I feel.

  *

  Miss Pemberton and her trunks arrived two days later. With Blackie’s help she turned part of the nursery into a schoolroom and then Blackie went on a long-overdue holiday to her family in Somerset. She and Laura had discussed it at some length and concluded that not only did the nurse need the rest, but it would be best for Alice who would not be able to play Miss Pemberton off against Blackie, who warned Laura that she was quite bright enough to do so.

  Laura saw no reason to inform Avery of Blackie’s holiday. It was, she concluded, well within her remit as mistress of the household and he did not seem to notice her absence which was far less noticeable in town than in the country house.

  The household settled down to a few more weeks in London as Alice adjusted to a new routine. It was best to remain there, Laura was certain. Alice was less familiar with the town house, the opportunities for distraction were fewer and it gave Miss Pemberton time to exert her gentle but firm authority.

  Whatever else she was doing Laura made certain she was at home for nursery tea and games and Avery, even if he could not be at home then, made a point of being there for a bedtime story.

  He was perfectly amiable, drove Laura about, took her to the theatre, walked in the parks, hosted a small informal dinner party. He took an intelligent interest in Alice’s lesson plan and approved the light touch with much play amidst the learning.

  What her husband was not, Laura thought resentfully on the fifth evening after he came to London, was in her bed. She dragged the brush through her hair, counting under her breath, but it was not enough to distract her from the fact that he had not come to her room once. It was, she supposed, retaliation for her blunt accusation about why he had left Westerwood so abruptly.

  She dropped the brush onto the dressing table, tossed her hair back over her shoulders and snuffed all
but the bedside candles. A new novel sat on the pillow where her husband’s head should be lying. She frowned at it and then felt a sudden resolve that however sensational it might prove to be, it was not how she was going to spend another night.

  The connecting door was firmly closed, but not locked. She had tried it an hour ago, eased the handle down while she laid her ear to the panel and listened. Avery had been speaking to Darke, a desultory conversation. Then she heard the valet say Goodnight. It was not even as though Avery had an evening engagement.

  Laura looked from the pristine white bed to the door and back again. No, she was not going to climb between the covers and lie there patiently waiting on his lordship’s pleasure. She smiled ruefully. That was what she had been waiting for all the nights of their marriage. His pleasure, not hers.

  As she walked to the door and pressed down the handle she asked herself what was the worst he could do. Order her back to her bed? Without knocking, she opened the door and went in.

  Chapter Twenty

  Avery was not in bed. He lounged in the chair reading, his bare feet propped up on the fender, a leather-bound book in his hands.

  ‘Laura?’ He dropped the book to the floor and stood up. ‘Is something wrong?’

  ‘It occurred to me that I had spent rather too much of my marriage lying in my bed waiting on my husband’s pleasure. Literally, his pleasure. Certainly not mine.’

  ‘Laura!’ He sounded so shocked she almost smiled.

  ‘I do not think I need to mince my words with a man who uses his wife for his carnal needs without any consideration for hers,’ she retorted.

  ‘The devil you say!’ Avery strode across the room and confronted her. Laura took a step back and found her shoulders were against the door. ‘Are you saying that I take you without your consent?’

  ‘No, you pig-headed man,’ Laura snapped. ‘I am saying you leave me unsatisfied in order to punish me for trapping you into marriage. When you condescend to come to my bed at all, that is. There, is that plain enough for you?’